I am not Sad

I am not sad and niether am I feeling the stressful life for not having what I want.

But, how do I describe this....

I am feeling like I have not contributed enough to this life neither do I have enough ration for the hereafter. Have I done enough to satisfy Allah or am I eligible for the Firdaus paradise allah promised for whom he pleased with? have I pleased Allah enough...?

Do I remember him enough every seconds of my life or have I spent it much worrying about money and debts? and devoting mylife for this wordly matters? Am I not happy for the things in this world that I don't get or the lack of my struggles for the heaven in the hereafter?

The more you struggle to be near to Allah than the harder the resistance holding you up. Verily, allah gives hidayah to whom he wishes. I am relax but my mind is about to erupt on the lack of my closeness to Allah. The more I learn about islam the more I realise that I know nothing. I realised of the weaknesses of my iman and the hugeness of Allah's rahmat in this world. In fact, you feel like you are worthlessness in the eyes of your lord which is the worst feeling and the value of his paradise is the biggest rahmat of all.

As I seek for Allah, I pray that Allah seek me back.... verily, Allah is the all knowing and the most merciful.